I typically don’t go around blowing my lady wad all over people’s faces. It’s rude and most of the time they don’t have tissues handy.
I also don’t make a lot of videos pontificating about, frankly, any subject at all, because I don’t watch that shit and you don’t watch that shit and the only time anyone does watch that shit is when the video features someone incredibly famous and/or incredibly drunk and, unfortunately, I was neither when I made this.
But right now, The United States of America is that friend you love because she’s weird and hilarious and always has your back when some skeevy clubbro is getting a little too interested in your workout routine, like, “I love a woman who takes care of herself. And your core is so important, you know, and I can tell you know that. I bet you even do those Kegel things, right? Yeah, you do. I can tell you do. Why don’t you show me YO MAKE YOUR FRIEND STOP PUNCHING MY NECK I HAVE A CONDITION MY CAROTID IS VERY SENSITIVE TO PERFORATION,” but lately your awesome friend has been hanging out with some pretty uncool people. And because you’re a better friend than they are, you need to tell her that she is, in fact, going to regret getting her eyeliner permanently tattooed. No, it doesn’t look good. No, it doesn’t. No, I don’t hate you. Yes, of course I support you. No, this isn’t about— it’s not— LOOK IT’S NOT ABOUT ALEX OKAY I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT ANYMORE, CAN WE PLEASE JUST FOCUS ON HOW YOU’LL BE 80 AND LOOKING LIKE YOUR EYELIDS GOT IN A DRUNKEN STREET BRAWL WITH A SHARPIE.
Long story short: on Thursday, the North Carolina House passed a bill imposing new restrictions on women’s health clinics throughout the state—restrictions that could make it very difficult for some of these clinics to remain operational at all. The language was hastily inserted into the Motorcycle Safety Act, SB353, after our (Republican) governor threatened to veto the PREVIOUSLY gutted bill, some piece on Sharia Law, because THAT didn’t do enough to protect women. Which is basically his way of saying, “I like this, but can it be slightly more devious?”
Thus, motorcycle vagina. Obviously.
Here’s my stupid video, recorded yesterday, July 12. I cut out/didn’t even record about 40% of what I originally planned to say, and this shit is still too damn long.
MEANWHILE, IN TEXAS…
As I was recording my video, I learned of Tampongate, in which women protesting HB2 (SB353′s obese, ten-gallon-hat-wearing cousin) at the Texas Capitol were having their tampons confiscated while guns continued to be allowed—nay, welcomed—into the building.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I just don’t motherfucking know.
But I do tweet.
And I do Vine.
Poetry? Scathing oratorical fireworks unseen in a generation?
I’ll let history decide.